Digital Love
by FoxyGrampaGlasses
Summary: Mordin's curiosity and scientific impulses have gone too far this time after he constructs EDI a human body and sets "her" up with Joker. Will this little intervention finally open Joker's eyes to his irrational love for Normandy's AI? Joker/EDI.
1. The Results of Science

**Chapter 1 - The Results of Science**

"Joker!" a frantic voice called out to me.

"What, what!" I yelled, my eyes flashing open and alert. I swiveled around to find a rather excited Mordin Solus before me. "Eh, I-I mean...what's up?" I asked more seriously. Mordin seemed to be examining me, but I hadn't a clue why.

"Drool all over your face. Sleeping on the job, Joker? How irresponsible." Mordin laughed.

"Was not!" I said quickly, wiping the drool off my face with a less than amused glare.

"So childish. But did not come here to argue about work ethics."

"Then what _did_ you come here for?"

A sly smile spread across Mordin's thin face that was practically radiating with 'BAD IDEA' vibes. It was true that Mordin and I didn't interact much as I was always in the cockpit and he was always in the lab, but I knew that smile. The commander had warned me about that smile. Mordin's smiles were the only indicator of his accomplishments, and our insanity. How many strange things had he invented? How many experiments had gone horribly wrong? How many times had the entire crew been forced to take a chemical bath? (Okay so that only happened once, but I mean, come on!)

Mordin finally turned and motioned to a figure down the hall from the cockpit. Had we gotten a new recruit? No, no. If we had Shepard would be introducing them. So then, who was this mysterious person I saw walking towards me?

I shot a confused glance at Mordin who was too busy staring at the incoming stranger to notice me. Squinting my eyes and leaning forward, I was able to see this person was most definitely a woman. She walked stiffly but purposefully, and as she finally came into view I was able to properly label her as a D, no doubt about it. Those were some serious love puppies.

She stopped abruptly at Mordin's side, starring down at me with ice cold blue eyes that sparkled even in the dimly lit cockpit. Her face was void of emotion, but held a faint look of curiosity.

"Meet your new crew member, Joker." the scientist said happily. It sounded like he was about to break out in song or something.

I cautiously switched my bewildered gaze from Mordin to the beauty standing beside him. She held her hand out to me, though regardless of the kind gesture, her expression stayed completely blank. I shook it politely, but my confusion was practically unbearable.

"Good day, Mr. Moreau." she said in an all too familiar voice.

"Wai-what?" I asked, realization flooding my eyes. "Mordin you...you didn't." I looked to him with disbelief fueling every fiber of my being, but he just stood there with that goofy grin on his funny little face.

"After seeing your improved cooperation with EDI I decided to take her development one step further." he explained even quicker than usual. "EDI is artificial intelligence, intelligence requires a vessel. Normandy much too bulky for EDI." he paused, sending a mischievous glance my way. "The rumors the crew spread helped me."

"Helped you _what_?" I asked, completely exasperated.

"Helped me decide to give EDI a body. And inadvertently, to make that body human." Mordin snickered, my eyes wide with a mix of rage and embarrassment.

"So you're saying that-" I cut myself off as EDI caught my eyes. "Cover your ears EDI." I ordered, and she quietly obliged. "So you're saying that list of turn-ons I sent you was for HER?"

"Correct." Mordin nodded without the slightest hint of guilt.

"You told me that was for a study on human courtship!" I growled.

"Never asked if I was lying." was his answer. I sighed heavily and rubbed the bridge of my nose. "What the fuck?"

I lifted my head reluctantly and found myself staring at the smoking hot piece of- NO. She was my ship! She was my ship and I refused to think of her that way, no matter how supple her ass was. This was just a machine before me, not a human, not something to get all hot n' bothered about.

"EDI." I said in a low tone, noticing she had yet to put her hands down.

"Yes, Jeff?" she asked, her hands seeming to have been there for no reason at all. My face went limp with stress. I would have asked why she put her hands over her ears if she could still hear me, but I already knew the answer.

"Nope, no. I don't care." I said throwing my hands in the air.

"Is something wrong, Jeff?"

I rolled my eyes and refrained from jumping the measly foot or so from my leather chair to my death. "YES. Something is _very_ wrong. And would you put your hands down already?"

EDI blinked as if she were processing the information, and finally put her hands back at her sides. "Please elaborate, Jeff."

Mordin chuckled heartily and waved EDI's question away. "Joker is simply overwhelmed by the sudden change in your appearance. Needs time to adjust."

"EDI, please leave the cockpit." I said through gritted teeth, glaring daggers up at the insane salarian.

"Are you certain?" the synthesized voice almost sounded worried. Geez, her giant boobs were getting to my brain. I was seriously starting to think she was a real human being.

"Yes, I'm certain. Go talk to the Commander. I'm sure she'll just _love_ this." I sighed sarcastically. EDI nodded and left, the clack of her heals echoing down the Normandy's hall.

"Alright, its time for a heart to heart, Solus." I said angrily once EDI was gone. Mordin was obviously not one bit threatened by me and my brittle bones, but I had to try, right?

"Where the hell do you get off making EDI a human body? With D cups!"

"The body is not human. Just appears that way."

"WHATEVER!" I snapped. "Look, this is not good! I can't work with...with...with _that_!" I yelled, gesturing in the direction in which EDI had taken her leave.

"Perhaps not. But this body could be useful for other activities." Mordin's smile had yet to leave his face, and all I could imagine was ripping it right off and feeding it to the commander's space hamster.

"Are you shitting me?" this only made the scientist laugh more. He was like a frickin giddy little school girl. "You can't seriously be implying that EDI and I are _together_?"

"I never said anything of the sort, Joker." Mordin's round-about answers were really starting to piss me off.

"Dammit Mordin, be straight with me." I growled. Mordin gained some seriousness from this, but it still wasn't enough to get rid of that damn smile. It was like a horrible blood stain on your favorite white shirt.

"Fine. I will be serious. But what is the problem? Joker likes EDI. This new body allows for affections to be expressed more...effectively."

"I do NOT like EDI." I stated firmly, cause I didn't. I didn't like her. Er, that is, I didn't like it. "Besides, EDI and her fun bags are going to be a huge fucking distraction!"

"Ah, yes. Human sex drive powerful."

I simply stared at the maniac looking down at me, the anger slowly draining from my face. I had no energy left. Who knew Mordin was such a hard guy to argue with?

"Sooo, you're not planning on shutting that..._thing_ down, are you?"

"No. Must test new module to see how it effects interactions between EDI and other humans. Could be a huge discovery!" the doc looked like a kid in a candy store, trying to decide which kind of test to run and what kind of data to collect first. I was just about ready to say screw it and return to my duties, but something occurred to me.

"One last question." I said in a hushed tone. "You gave her a set of fun bags, but what about...?" my sentence trailed off, hoping Mordin could fill in the blanks. By the gleam in his eyes I could tell he knew exactly what I meant, but he wasn't talking.

"What about what, Joker? Be specific."

"Ah, shit!" I groaned, pulling Mordin down to my level. "...Did you give her a _vagina_?" I whispered just as a hand latched itself onto Mordin's shoulder. My face went pale as Commander Shepard approached me.

"Now what's this about vagina?" she asked crudely, her expression incredibly unamused.

* * *

Author's Notes -

Ah, Joker, how do you get yourself into these things? I mean, you can't even really walk. Hah, anyways.

I had so much fun writing this, and there are so many places I can take it. Joker and EDI aren't a huge thing in the game, I know, but I wish they were. And I'm praying that they really do give EDI a human-esque body-type-thing in the third game. That would be beyond awesome.

There are lots more chapters to come, but I have no idea how many. (and I won't be updating this on any kind of schedule.) So keep reading, alert, fav, and REVIEW.

K thanks. ;D


	2. Alone on the Normandy

**Chapter 2 - Alone on the Normandy**

The commander kept the scolding short and sweet and to the point, but at least twice as frightening as usual.

"I like the idea of EDI being able to interact with the crew more." Shepard had said, her cold eyes only half open. "But I swear to god Joker, there will be no fucking with my ship."

Her expression had been horribly serious, so much I thought I might actually start crying. But what for! It wasn't like I _wanted_ to fuck with the ship. Still, being crippled sure does take away from your range of entertainment, and I was definitely deprived in that area.

* * *

I opened my eyes slowly. Damn, I'd fallen asleep. Again! I looked around to see if anyone had caught me dozing off, but there was no one in sight. I scratched my head, noticing there was one person around; my faithful companion, EDI.

"Hey, EDI, where is everyone?" I asked, turning my chair to face her.

"Commander Shepard has decided to give everyone a vacation." she stated, walking over to my side. What was this soft expression on her face? "She demanded it start immediately, so I landed the ship and everyone exited."

"When did she say that?"

"While you were asleep. I insisted we not wake you, and assured her I would inform you of the festivities after you woke up."

"Oh...Hmkay." I answered softly. For some reason, knowing it was just me and EDI on the ship gave me a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. I picked up the manual booklet Mordin had left me after the unveiling of his little science fair project. I sighed and flipped through it, not really reading the words.

Mordin had ordered EDI a custom uniform for her new body which consisted of a black pleated mini skirt and jacket with a blue trim and white buttons. Shepard had said that was way too old fashioned, but who could argue with pleated skirts? Besides that, Mordin's first choice had been a frilly pink dress with so many ribbons it made EDI look like a Christmas present. He said it was an ancient style of dress known as Lolita. (Plus twenty fetish points for Mordin.)

After establishing that this "Lolita" was out of the question, Mordin brought in his second choice which was the previously mentioned mini skirt suit. She was also given a pair of average white high-heels that gave a crisp clack to each of her steps. EDI seemed to be fond of the sound her new shoes made as she walked and how it echoed through the Normandy. I think it made her feel more professional.

"Are you not going to join your crewmates?" the synthesized voice echoed quietly, her speech patterns formal as always. I shook my head.

"Nah, I don't even really know any of 'em 'cept for Shepard." I answer with my eyes on the booklet. "I mean, they're on my ship and I eat meals with 'em, but..." I just let my sentence trail off and sighed.

EDI took a seat in the chair beside me that had been custom built for her after her little debut. She sat with her legs wide open, slouching forward and resting her chin on her hand. I stared for a moment, had she been sitting like this the whole time? I shook my head, horrified. She was picking up habits from the commander.

"EDI." I said in a "what the fuck are you doing?" tone of voice. She flashed her LED sky blue eyes at me curiously.

"Yes, Jeff?"

We stared at each other for quite sometime. She really didn't have the slightest clue what was wrong here. I just shook my head and laughed.

"Mordin never gave you any etiquette training did he?"

"No he did not. Is my etiquette unacceptable?" she asked, her eyes widening and back straightening slightly. I eyed her suspiciously, was she _embarrassed_?

"Nah, but maybe not the most proper." I smirked and gestured to her skirt. "Especially if you don't want people to see under that hand towel of yours." I said, wiggling my eyebrows suggestively. I swear to god EDI's cheeks started glowing blue, the lights on her built-in ear piece flashing. Was this her way of blushing?

EDI turned her head forward, away from me, and instantly took on a very conservative posture. She folded her hands in her lap and kept her legs close together. Her processor calmed down and the blue faded from her face as she appeared to regain her composure.

"E-EDI...?" I asked, but she simply stood and picked up her trusty electronic clip board.

"I am very busy, Mr. Moreau." she said, sounding annoyed. I stuck my pinky in my ear and scraped out a miniscule amount of earwax, proving that I couldn't have heard that wrong.

"But everyone's gone. The engine isn't even running." I contradicted. She froze and I saw her free hand fold up into a fist.

"There is still work to be done."

"Like what?" I asked with a calm smirk.

"Like...Like..." EDI struggled to come up with a response. "Like your face!" she...yelled? My face? Damn Shepard and her horrible influence on poor, innocent EDI. And before I knew it she was storming out of the cockpit, her short blond hair swishing as she went deep within the Normandy.

"What the fuck just happened...?" I thought aloud. Was EDI really, truly, angry with me? That seemed so impossible to me, but when I thought about, EDI had been showing more and more emotional capability lately. She had even been kind enough to not let the commander wake me earlier, (Cause we all know Shepard's solution to a sleeping crewmember is a boot up their ass.) and she knew I wouldn't want to go out. EDI was growing up, right before me. She was becoming a real person.

I spun around in my chair once and sighed. It was so boring without EDI around to joke with. I carefully got up and began taking a stroll through the Normandy. Dr. Chakwas had suggested that I do this to help strengthen my weak muscles and now seemed like as good a time as any to start. It wasn't long till I heard the already familiar sound of EDI's heels on the Normandy's cold tile flooring.

"Mr. Moreau, should you really be up?" she asked. I shrugged.

"Its fine. Doc says I need to use my legs a little more anyways. And you? How's your...work going?" I asked, subconsciously watching the woman. It wasn't until that very moment that I realized just how close I had gotten with EDI. I never _just_ talked with anyone, not even Shepard. It was always a war of snide remarks between me and person B, no emotions, no connections, and definitely no small talk. EDI was different though.

"My duties are finished." she said, avoiding my gaze.

"You know, I've been wondering, how do you like this new body?" I asked, seeing that same blue tint as before light up her cheeks.

"It is nice to be able to mingle with the crew and experience the world as a human being." she answered dryly, her eyes downcast and her hands folded over each other in front.

"That's good. And Mordin? He's been giddy as a fucking little girl." I laughed.

"Indeed. Mr. Solus has gone on a data collecting spree. I seem to be a kind of fountain of knowledge for him." she stated frankly. I snickered, but my face slowly fell. What was this strange vibe EDI was giving me?

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked, putting a hand on her shoulder. Come to think of it, that was the first time I had ever touched her. EDI's eyes shot up, meeting mine. She seemed to have to force herself to look away and nodded.

"All systems are functioning perfectly." she answered. I let my hand fall from her shoulder and sighed.

"Whatever you say." I said, shrugging my shoulders and beginning to walk back towards the cockpit. "My legs are tired, I'm going back now."

"Do you not wish me to accompany you?"

Her voice stopped me in my tracks. I knew that was no hallucination, and it was impossible to deny any longer. EDI had sadness in her voice. Or perhaps fear? In any case she was emotional. I turned hesitantly to look back at the artificial life before me. Artificial. How could that be?

"Of course I want you to 'accompany' me." I said, making a silly face as I spoke the word accompany. EDI's face softened into a smile and she took her place at my side, nodding happily. We walked in a thick sea of silence, the only noise to be heard coming from EDI's shoes and my soft breathing. I couldn't take it anymore, I had to say something. I took a big breath and began to speak.

"E-EDI, I -Ahwahh!" I yelled as I fell to the ground with a loud crunch. "SHIT." I coughed, rolling myself onto my back. I had been so distracted that I hadn't noticed the stairs in front of me and lost my balance when the floor seemed to disappear. I didn't need an examination, I already knew. One broken arm, two broken ribs. I heard rushed clacks and EDI was kneeling next to me.

"Jeff!" she whispered frantically. I took a breath, instantly coughing it back out as a sharp pain stabbed at my right side. EDI calmed herself and I could feel her arms around me.

"I'm _fine_, EDI." I said quickly, her intentions quite clear. She shook her head and lifted me with ease.

"You are not. I will carry you to your seat and call Dr. Chakwas immediately." she said, her firm voice contrasting her soft and pretty damn comfortable grip on me. Even so, to be carried around by a girl was pretty brutal to any man's ego. But for once, I wasn't thinking about the two sacks of D cup sized joy pressing against me. Or at least, I wasn't at first.

EDI laid me gingerly in my chair and hurried off to contact the doctor. It was really strange to be held by a woman, she had been so gentle with me. Even mom hadn't held me too much. Guess she was afraid of breaking her son.

"Geez..." I exhaled painfully. Damn ribs. They were the worst ones to break, by far. "What was so distracting that I missed the fucking stairs anyways?" I asked myself, my thoughts once again escaping my mouth. _"That's right. It was EDI."_

EDI returned with some bandages and a medical kit. Chakwas had told her to take care of it herself, all she had to do was set the bones straight and Chakwas would do the rest when she got back. I did a double take when EDI began pulling my shirt off, though.

"What are you doing?" I asked, dumfounded.

"I wish to tend to you." she said, being purposefully vague. I felt my face grow hot, her breasts but a few inches away and practically taunting my sex deprived body. I sighed and leaned my head back, hoping the pain of EDI ripping my shirt off with a broken arm would distract me. Unfortunately she was gentle and it hardly hurt a bit, but I kept my head back and eyes closed.

"Please brace yourself." EDI's words only half registering in my head before she snapped my arm into the correct alignment. I clenched my teeth shut to muffle my cry of pain, but EDI had still heard it. I still hadn't opened my eyes, even after she had finished bandaging me. I felt a cool hand pull my cap off and run its fingers through my hair.

Woman after woman had come and gone, leaving me more broken than any fall down the stairs could. They'd come near me, but never close enough to touch. I might as well have lived my entire life in a bubble. But here EDI was, with her hands in my hair, soothing my broken soul. It never registered for even an instant that EDI was and AI, it didn't matter. Her hands were real. Her calming voice could be heard. Unlike anyone else, she was here, popping the bubble and breaking the boundaries.

"Are you okay, Jeff?" EDI asked softly. I opened my eyes and stared at her.

"Not really, mom." I sighed.

* * *

Author's notes-

Sorry bout the long wait. I've been very uninspired lately. That AND I decided I needed to make some art for this story. Yep, I made a little pic showing how I picture EDI in this fanfic, just go to my profile and follow the link to my deviantart. The next chapter should be done a lot quicker than this last one because I actually know what I want to write. (I think it might involve some strip poker, HEH.)

So stay tuned. (as in review, fave, alert.) I really do love the reviews, can't get enough of 'em! And thank you so much for the ones I've gotten so far. They're what keep me writing!


	3. Thane's Advice

Hm. So much for updating quickly! :D  
Sorry about that. Anyways, you all have waited long enough. Go ahead and enjoy the fanfic. I'll chat with you later. ;D

**Chapter 3 - Thane's advice**

It had been two weeks since my "accident". EDI had taken the wrap for what happened, saying that my chair had malfunctioned due to a virus and had sent me flying. I was more than a little surprised that EDI had decided to cover for my stupidity. I had tried to correct her, but before I could speak she nonchalantly dug her thumb right into my broken arm. Needless to say that shut me up. I still don't think Shepard bought it, but she didn't ask anymore questions and simply left it alone. After that, EDI decided to appoint herself the job of nursing me back to health. She wouldn't let me out of her sight for anything except for bathroom breaks.

I currently sat in my chair as usual, lazily looking over the orange modules in front of me. I suddenly pulled my cap off and scratched at my head. EDI's hand had left quite the impression on me, and every once in a while my scalp would start tingling, begging for that hand to return. Of course I just ran over such thoughts with an lame excuse like it was just dandruff or my cap was making my head sweat, but eventually, enough was enough. I couldn't take it anymore. For the past two weeks, all I'd been able to think of was EDI. It didn't matter if I was thinking about seeing Blasto the Hanar Spectre: ON ICE, or how many gay Salarians there must be considering how few females are out there. Either way, I'd eventually connect it back to EDI in one way or another.

_"There's no way..."_ I had told myself at first, but as I sat there trying to convince myself that my heart was pounding in my ears because of _dandruff_, I couldn't be so sure. No, it was painfully obvious, which is probably why I wouldn't admit to it. I just couldn't accept that I might, just maybe, _possibly_, have a thing for EDI. She...she wasn't even real! Right? RIGHT! I sighed heavily and rubbed my forehead. _"What the fuck...?"_

There had to be someone I could ask about this...Mordin? No, no. I couldn't stand to ask him about something so personal, especially when I knew it was just going straight into his notes. I'd known Tali for a while, maybe he would be someone to ask? Oh, no. Bad idea. So through the process of trial and elimination, I decided Thane would be the best to consult.

I slyly looked back, not surprised to find EDI standing behind me. I turned back to my duties, shaking my head. This was no time for scheming. So I tried to work. That worked for about a minute before my restless mind began destroying itself once again.

"That's it!" I yelled angrily, pulling my cap back on and turning my chair around to get up.

"Jeff?" EDI asked softly. I coughed nervously, instantly calming myself.

"I mean..." I bit my lip. "...ahh I have to use the bathroom!"

"I see. And you are certain you don't want me to accompany you?"

"Yes. I'm sure." I said, getting up carefully.

I moved quickly, trying to remember the map of the Normandy I'd seen. It took a while, but eventually I found my way down to life support.

"Joker? What brings you here?" Thane asked, surprise in his layered voice as I walked over to him.

"Could I ask you something?" Thane nodded and gestured for me to take a seat. I hobbled over and sat down, my mind going over the script I'd made up whilst making the journey down to life support.

"I'm curious about this question. What could be so urgent that you had to come all the way down here, risking further injury?" he said, eyeing my still bandaged arm.

"Uhh..." I stammered, my mind going blank. "Well...its pretty important." I said with a nod of my head. I took a deep breath and continued. "I was just wondering...what you thought of AI's?"

"AI's? I have only met the two aboard." Thane answered plainly. I sighed, seeing there was no way around it. I had to be direct. Or, at least, more direct than that.

"Well, drells are all real philosophical, right?" Thane nodded. "So do you think...AI's can...love?" I asked, my voice shrinking to nearly a whisper. Thane blinked a few times, thinking over his response.

"I see. Have you finally come to terms with your feelings then?" the drell asked.

"Uuwhat?" I spat quickly. "What feelings!" Thane waved his hand calmly.

"Well, if you're asking me for an honest opinion, all life is life. Whether we're talking about the insects that crawl beneath our feet, or the geth that fight for their right to exist." Thane spoke calmly, lacing his fingers together. "I also believe love is love, despite what that love is for."

I sat in silence, thinking over his words. Was he saying loving an AI was nothing to be ashamed of?

"Also, if a dying drell can love a feisty human, then why not a human love an AI?" Thane added, his voice soft and warm. His relationship with the commander was heart wrenching, knowing that their days together were numbered. Regardless, Shepard stayed by Thane's side.

"I guess...Hey, does the crew really talk about me and EDI that much?" I asked, rather curious. Of course I was left out of most of the gossip on the ship. The crew seemed to think of me as their little kid brother. You know, the kid you have to bring with you but tell to sit in the corner so you can hang out with your friends and pretend to have a life for a couple hours?

"Hmm, yes they do." he answered honestly. I sighed, my head falling forward a bit. "But do not loose heart."

"Yeah yeah..." I sighed, sitting up. "Oh, and I was never here." I said in a hush hush tone, pushing myself up. Thane nodded.

"Of course."

After leaving life support, I had decided that I would let Thane's words sink in for a little while. That plan was semi interrupted on my way to the cockpit as I heard Garrus's hearty laugh and what sounded like Shepard yelling "EDI's turn!" in a drunken slur. I gulped and inched towards the com room where all the commotion seemed to be coming from. The sliding doors made it impossible to sneak a peak and run if things were bad, but it didn't matter much. Everyone's attention was on the pants less Shepard that was standing on the meeting table with a bottle of some form of alcohol in her hand.

It was rather surprising to find Shepard in lacy pink panties, regardless of the time or place. I'd never seen her in anything but her Cerberus uniform or N7 armor, but never lacy delicates.

"I pi*hic*ck EDI. Truth or dare? Dare? GOOD." Shepard laughed maniacally and EDI simply stared. "I darrrrrre you to *hic*...kiss Tali!"

EDI looked over at Tali, who quickly began to argue against the idea. "That'll get me sick!" she yelled, but Shepard didn't listen. Instead, she jumped off the table and stole Tali's mask. "SHEPARD!" she yelled, frantically trying to get her mask back. It appeared that I had stumbled upon a twisted game of truth or dare, with most of the participants looking unwilling.

"Nope!" the drunk commander snickered. "Not 'till you *hic* kiss EDI!"

I felt my face grow warm as EDI took hold of the situation, kissing Tali forcefully and calmly swiping the mask from Shepard and handing it back to the poor quarian. Of course throughout all of this, Tali's face had somehow remained hidden to everyone. She took her seat, everyone's eyes on her, even Shepard's.

"That was HOT." Shepard laughed, taking another swig of her drink and swaying to the right.

"E-EDI...?" my voice brought a pack of curious eyes to me and I suddenly wished I hadn't said anything.

"HEYY, iss Joker!" Shepard laughed.

"You might want to run while you still can." Garrus warned outright.

"Jeff...? EDI answered softly, her cheeks quickly lighting up. "Y-you didn't see that...did you?" she asked with wide eyes. I froze for a moment, trying to get my mind to work.

"That? What? NO no, I didn't see...a thing." I laughed nervously as Shepard's hand fell roughly on my shoulder.

"Heyhey, you wanna play too?" she asked with a toothy grin. My face went pale at the thought. Garrus just shook his head.

"I told you so." he laughed. It seemed he had already accepted his horrible fate.

"A-ah, EDI, we really should get back to the cockpit, huh?" I said quickly, shrugging Shepard off my shoulder. EDI shot up from her seat and made her way out of the room.

"Indeed Jeff." she nodded, practically dragging me away.

"Alright, which of you sissy's are up for another round?" Shepard's relentless laughter echoed throughout the Normandy as EDI and I ran for our lives.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Ohhey there! Long time no see, huh? Sorry for the wait, once again. As you all should know I'm not much of a writer. I've been using most my time drawing or sewing (cosplay! :D) as an excuse to neglect my fanfictions. That being said, please review! And suggestions, critiques, and/or praise are all very welcome.

Byebye~


	4. Soups On

**Chapter 4 - Soups on**

"Oh my god!" I wheezed, collapsing in my chair. EDI and I had just nearly escaped Shepard's 'game' (it was more like torture). I couldn't help but to laugh the whole way back to the cockpit. It was really too bad that this wasn't the strangest drunken affair I'd seen on the Normandy.

"Are you okay, Jeff?" EDI asked with a smile despite her worries. I nodded, forcing myself to calm down so I could breath.

"Damn!" I sighed as I wiped my forehead. "That almost cracked a rib." I joked, though it was probably true. I could see EDI tense up a bit more as she took a few steps closer.

"I'm glad you enjoyed the commander's...game." she said warmly. Thane's words whirled through my head as I looked up into that angelic smile. I found it impossible to believe that something with such a warm smile could be...artificial.

"Ahh, yeah..." I said, my laughter dying down rather quickly. As the familiar silence set in between us, I turned back to my work. Maybe, just maybe, AI's really did have life. Who was to say that they didn't? The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that an AI was 'alive'. Why else would people go to war with them? Why else would they fight back? Something without life would have no reason to fight back...

"Jeff." EDI cut my thoughts in two suddenly and without warning.

"W-what?" I asked, surprised by her abruptness.

"I would like you to know that I did not kiss Tali." she said, staring out at the galaxy to avoid my gaze.

"Huh...?"

"Well, to be technical, I only kissed her on the cheek."

"Why are you...?"

"Mordin informed me that a kiss is a pact between two humans and some other alien species and that it usually expresses a deep connection." EDI's voice softened, her cheeks glowing with that wondrous blue color of hers. "I wanted you to be certain that I had not kissed Tali, nor do I desire a deep connection with her."

"EDI..." I whispered her name. She was really serious about this.

"I understand that I am your ship's AI, and you are my helmsman." EDI's blush subsided, an aura of sadness taking its place. "Regardless, I wanted you to know." she finally turned and looked me in the eyes. Yes, there was no way EDI didn't have life. In fact, she was overflowing with it.

"EDI...thank you." I said, giving my best smile as I reached up and tucked a stray strand of blonde hair behind her ear.

"I must leave you now. I promised to help make dinner tonight, so please attend." she opened her mouth to continue, but hesitated. EDI wrapped her soft hands around my own hand that hadn't left her ear and placed it gently in my lap. "That is all." she said softly, reluctantly letting go of my hand and hurrying off to the kitchen.

All I could do was watch her go.

"What...the hell?" I sighed. I looked down at my hand, grazing my thumb over it. Her touch had been so sweet. I sighed again. "Dinner huh...?"

I did attend breakfast most days, but my lunch and dinner hours never seemed to conform with the crew's schedule. So most night's I ended up getting left overs or had to make my own meals (none of which ever turned out quite right). And yet, EDI had invited me to eat. After what had happened, how could I turn her down?

So as dinner time rolled around, I reluctantly got up from my seat. It sure did seem that I'd been doing a lot of walking ever since EDI had received her new body. I limped awkwardly down to the mess hall, silently trying to combat my passionate desire to turn back while I still had the chance.

_"The crew's just gonna make fun of me the whole time..."_ I sighed internally._ "But EDI asked me personally to come, I can't just stand her up. Though she wouldn't really be upset about it, would she? I'm not even really hungry. I still have time to turn back if I..."_

The swoosh of the sliding doors brought my out of my sea of thought and stomped on any hopes of turning back. I tugged the flap of my hat down as I skulked across the mess hall and took at seat at one of the tables. It didn't take long for attention to gravitate in my general direction.

"Joker?" Thane's deep voice was the first to be heard. "What are you doing here?" he asked, taking a seat next to me.

"Oh, hey Thane. EDI asked me to come to dinner tonight..." I answered lazily, leaning my head on my hand.

"How is your...situation?" he asked softly.

"Situation? Hell if I know." I huffed.

"Thats not much of an answer..." Thane sighed, seeing it was pointless to press me on it. Just then EDI approached us, as proper as ever, and set down a plate in front of Thane. I wasn't sure how the kitchen worked, but it seemed this dish was Thane's 'usual'.

"Please enjoy your meal." she said politely, doing her best to smile. It was obvious she had not perfected facial expressions. Still, I could tell the smile she gave Thane was...lacking in comparison to the smiles she'd given me.

"EDI, did you make this?" Thane inquired curiously. EDI nodded.

"Garrus told me that all human women must know how to cook, so I insisted that I make dinner for the crew tonight."

I snorted rudely.

"Garrus needs to pull the stick out a couple inches!" I scoffed. "Its an urban myth that women used to do all the cooking, a wives tale!" I looked up at EDI who seemed close to mortified and nearly choked on my words. "S-so cooking for a woman is like a rare skill!" I said quickly. EDI blinked. She seemed to realize how hurt she looked and quickly fixed the problem.

"I see." was all she said as an eerie silence set in.

"U-um, so what do I get?" I coughed nervously. A glint of happiness flickered in EDI's glowing eyes.

"You shall see soon enough, Jeff." she said, turning on her heels and walking away with quite the bounce in her step. Her hips swayed as she walked, a definite fire in her every movement. Thane's muffled laugh brought me back to reality.

"W-what?" I asked, trying to keep myself from blushing.

"Ahh, you're learning." he said with a nod before bowing his head and letting out a string of prayers for his gods or something, making my loud denials ineffective. I slumped down on the table with a sigh.

"I really like her..." I grumbled.

"Hm?" Thane lowered his hands.

"I thought you were deep in prayer!" I growled.

"Did you just admit to your feelings?"

My glare was fierce, but Thane's expressionless stare was fiercer. I sighed heavily and nodded. I could have sworn the table jumped then as a hulky turian took a seat across from me and Thane.

"He-ey!" he greeted. "Look who's not flying the ship!"

"I docked her, don't worry." I rolled my eyes.

"And what and odd pair to see." he commented, making Thane and I stare at each other uncomfortably. Could he be saying...? NAHHHH.

"Well, aren't you a weird ass alien to see." I answered, recovering from that moment of...let us just call it doubt.

"Technically, 'weird' is a relative term. Your weird and Garrus's weird are two very different weird." Thane explained as he took the first bite of...whatever the hell that was on his plate.

"Exactly, Joker." Garrus agreed triumphantly.

"You'll er just like little kids on the play ground." came the disgruntled voice of the commander.

"Siha!" Thane said worriedly as she plopped down next to Garrus. "Should you not still be resting?"

"NO." Shepard growled. "I WANT FOOD DAMMIT."

"Jeff." EDI's voice rang through the chaos.

"Huh, EDI?" I asked, turning to find EDI...and a plate that was decorated with a double decker gourmet hamburger. My eyes opened wide and my mouth dropped open. EDI set the plate in front of me, a sweet smile on her rosy little face. She looked like she'd been working pretty hard. Of course she wasn't sweaty or anything, but that look in her eyes and warmth of her hands told me how much she put into this dinner.

"Oh my god JOKER. GIMME!" Shepard said, clawing for my burger. EDI sternly slapped her hands away.

"Your food will be here momentarily. Please refrain from taking the meal that was made especially for Jeff, or anyone else for that matter." EDI snapped out of her anger and made a quick exit, leaving us all dazed and confused. I looked back my burger, my mouth watering. This thing was so big is looked like it might break my jaw.

"So?" Shepard asked with big eyes.

"So what...?" I asked cautiously.

"So are you gonna eat it!"

"YES, I'm going to eat it." I said picking up the sandwich on steroids. I squished it down with my hands and fit a small bit from the front in my mouth, making a hearty crunch as I bit down. Thankfully, that crunch was _not_ from any of my bones.

"Holy shit biscuits..." I whispered through all the meat and cheese.

"What? WHAT!" Shepard asked frantically.

"I'm in heaven!" I sighed and began chewing again. The table bustled with laughter, all except for Shepard who looked ready to cry. EDI eventually brought the commander her own burger and joined the party. It was an interesting dinner, much livelier than usual.

After everyone left, and it was just EDI and me again, I felt an odd tension in the air.

"You seemed to be having fun tonight, Jeff." she said quietly. We hadn't left the table yet.

"Yeah...I guess I was." I nodded.

"You should eat with the crew more often." EDI wouldn't look at me, but her gaze was warm and gentle.

"..Mm...Maybe."

"Please consider it." She said once again. EDI then stood and walked to my side. "It is getting very late, we should go." her voice was soft, almost a whisper. I nodded and pushed myself onto my feet. "Please let me walk you to you chambers."

I blinked.

What?

"S-sure..." I stuttered. We walked silently, side by side, for quite some time. My head quickly became tangled in thoughts about EDI and once again I found myself tripping. I took a wrong step and tripped myself. I braced for impact, but it never came. I slowly opened my eyes. EDI had caught me, in that split second. I was kneeling, her arms wrapped around me. Her grip tightened and I realized just how content I felt, how safe.

"EDI...?" I whispered. EDI quickly let go of me, pulling me back to my feet and turning away.

"Please be more careful." she said, her voice wavering.

"Thanks for...catchin' me." I said, readjusting my hat.

"It was nothing, Jeff." and with that, she left me.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Anyone understand that bit with Thane and Joker? No? No one? Oh, okay. Thats fine with me. X3  
This is turning out to be a very serious fanfic! But I don't want it to be too long, so I'll probably wrap it up soonishly. If you are reading this, please review. And if you have nothing to say, then just copy and paste this "ASSUMING CONTROL". I mean what? :D

Hokay, bye!


	5. First Kiss

**Chapter 5 - First Kiss**

I sighed as I heard footsteps nearing and turned around. Of all people, I really did NOT feel like talking to Mordin, regardless he was here.

"Joker, may I speak with you?" he glanced at EDI who was currently doing my job instead of my lazy ass. "Privately?" he added in a whisper. I scrunched my brow and looked at him questioningly.

"Uhh...fine." I sighed getting up. I was getting good at this walking thing. Mordin led me to his lab and began talking. I could tell he was struggling to keep a steady and understandable pace to his speech.

"I have been doing follow-up examinations of EDI for my experiment." he began.

"Yeah, and?" I asked lazily. Mordin looked me in the eye.

"Most interesting results." he sniffed harshly. "EDI appears to be growing a personality."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Think of this, computer and human brain are not too different. The only immediate difference is personality and emotion, which a computer is void of. But for speculation's sake, let us say that a computer could feel. If I were to ask a computer and a human what happiness was like, and they both had the same type of answer, what then, would separate them as conscious beings?" Mordin finally took a breath, his eyes lit with the sparkles of discovery.

"Mordin, you're not making much sense." Mordin sighed and reworded his question.

"If both computer and human feel, then what makes them different?"

"Easy, one's made of metal and one's made of squishy bits." I answered, thoroughly confused. Mordin nodded.

"But is that different than saying a human has one heart and a krogan has two?"

"Are you trying to suggest that if a computer can feel that makes them human?" Mordin shook his head.

"It makes them a conscious being, such as any of the alien species out there. Salarian, krogan, hanar, human! What all connects them? Their minds!" Mordin's words were starting to make sense to me, but I couldn't believe them.

"Well, what about geth? They seem pretty conscious to me." I asked, getting a sour expression from the scientist.

"Geth have no wishes, no hopes, no dreams. Geth cannot understand emotion, and rely solely on programming for decision making." he answered, calming down a bit. "EDI, however, has wishes of her own. She has feelings."

I blinked, letting the meaning of his words sink in.

"EDI...can feel?" I asked again, looking up at Mordin with disbelief. He nodded.

"EDI has evolved. She is certainly what the counsel had been trying to avoid." he said softly

"But...she's not bad, right?"

"On the contrary." Mordin said happily. "Like any other self-aware species out there, EDI is able to choose her path. She has told me that we are her friends." his expression turned soft.

"Thats...pretty fucking amazing, Mordin." I said, shaking my head lightly.

"But keep news to self. Would like to keep from loosing posterior."

I nodded and left to get back to work, though that was hardly what I did. Sure, I sat in my chair and looked at the monitors, but I was far from working. Mordin's discussion kept playing itself through my mind. Did this mean EDI really was alive? Was this caused by receiving a body, or was it bound to happen one way or another? I sighed, did that even really matter?

I looked around. EDI was still doing my work for me, it seemed she had noticed my spacy-ness and decided to fly the ship herself. Thank god, we surely would have crashed by now if it hadn't been for her.

"EDI...?" I said, cringing when I realized I'd said that out loud. EDI turned her head and stared, masking any feelings that might have been running through her.

"Done day-dreaming, Jeff?" she asked, a soft smile on her lips. My heart melted.

"Uhh, where are we going right now?" I asked trying to get a conversation going.

"We've docked at the Citadel. I believe Shepard said she wanted to go 'clubbin' with Thane." she said, her voice sounded so...not synthetic.

"Ahh, I see..." I said softly. "So is everyone gone?"

"Mostly." she answered. Geez, just how long had I been spacing out for? I shook my head. She really didn't seem in the mood to chat. Yet, I had to know.

"Can we talk then...?" I asked, putting on my man face. EDI stared at me, confusion washed over her features.

"Certainly, Jeff." she said hesitantly. I took a deep breath. If there was ever a time to be a man, it was now!

"Mordin says you've been having...feelings." I started slowly. EDI's eye's widened at this.

"Well, that is..." she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and tried to calm down. "Perhaps."

"You aren't sure?"

"Perhaps."

I sighed, this wasn't going to get me anywhere.

"Please forgive me, Jeff. Things have been...confusing for me." EDI said, avoiding my gaze.

"You told Mordin about these things right? Why not me?" EDI finally looked up, her eyes wide with surprise.

"Why...?" she repeated. I nodded.

"Yes, why? I'm your friend right?" I said, a warm smile finding its way onto my lips. EDI looked away once again, her expression was of hurt.

"You are, but that must be all." she said softly.

"What...?"

"I am but a machine, Jeff." she said harshly, staring at me with burning frustration in her eyes. "I am a machine, nothing more. So please do not pretend I am more than that. Please do not over-step your boundaries." her voice cracked and it looked like she was going to cry. No, she was still only made of metal. Though Mordin _had_ said it was organic...just how organic was this body? I shook my head.

"No, EDI." I said stubbornly. She clenched her fists and I saw a tear roll down her face. Her fists instantly released as another tear fell. Her hands flew to her eyes, her fingertips feeling the foriegn substance streaming down her cheeks. Fear flooded her eyes, along with large tears that glistened in the ship's dim lighting. I stood quickly, almost too quickly, as she slid down to the floor rubbing at her eyes, her entire body shaking with fear. I kneeled beside her and took her wrists in hand so she'd look at me. "J-Jeff..?" she stuttered. "Whats...happening to me?" she blinked two fat tears out of her eyes as she stared into mine.

"Are you scared, EDI?" I asked in a low voice. "What do you feel?" I asked again after she didn't answer. Another tear fell. I pushed my worry away and gave her a warm smile. "You're scared." I said more forcefully. She couldn't describe something like this, and I shouldn't expect her to.

"Jeff...I..." EDI shook her head. My hands let go of her wrists and slid into her palms, holding her hands firmly. "This...is wrong." she whispered, closing her eyes tight. I wrapped my arms around her, only because she deserved to know what it felt like. She'd done this for me so many times before.

"I don't think so." I said. EDI nestled her head in my shoulder. "No matter what anyone says, you can feel. You can think for yourself, just like me or anyone else on htis ship. You are not simply a program." I said, feeling EDI grip my shirt. "You have _life_." I held EDI like that for some time until the tears stopped. She pulled away slowly, looking me in the eyes. I wiped away a few stray tears and smiled. It felt good to give back to the one who had made me feel so safe for so long.

"Do you truly believe that I, a machine...can love?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

"I believe you can do whatever you so damn please." I answered. EDI smiled, her hand squeezing mine lightly. I leaned in closer, earning a nice blue blush from EDI.

"Jeff...this would be my first." she said softly, catching onto my antics. My smile widened.

"Thats fine with me." I said, leaning my forehead against hers. Her skin was warm with embarrassment. She slowly eased out of her apprehension, and are lips brushed against each other. I pressed in firm and stole her first kiss.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Hey there! Wow, I am so proud of myself for finishing this so quickly! Well, this fic appears to be comming to a close. I hope you all enjoyed it. I might add some "just for fun" chapters, but I'm not sure yet. Oh, and I'm hoping to mayber rope my sister/one of my friends into writing some sex to top of this rather succeful story. (I'm very not confident in my smut-writing-abilities.) I would really like some sex for them. X3

So tell me what you thought of EDI and her...emotional-ness. It felt natural to me, but I dunno. Maybe I'm just insane and this was a terrible chapter. I'll never know until you review!

Also, thank you to all of the people who have reviewed so far. It really keeps my lazy ass writing! Now go, go, go review~!

Bye-bye!


End file.
